How to shut up Sirius Black
by Lupin3Black
Summary: Remus Lupin just wants to eat his soup.
1. Chapter 1

**Dear readers. This would be. My third story on in two nights. Im quite proud of myself you know. and they are all wolfstar. Yay. Again slash! Rated m just incase. Please flame. I find them hilarious. **

**Catxoxo**

**How To Make Sirius Black Shut Up**

One-shot

"And then!, and then right, are you listening, she, meaning this crazy ass chick of course, throws herself me and I'm like 'noooooooo bitch! And then, and then you see, are you still listening? Yeah? Ill continue! Where was I? Oh yeah! Back at the very start. Well, it was a fine summers day, in the beginning of 1st year..." Sirius babbles on. Looking at Remus expect-wait, well, he wasn't just looking at Remus. His arm was thrown round the poor boys neck, holding him close while Remus tried, very hard, to eat his tomato soup, after all, he was a growing boy, even if it was 7th year and he was already over 6ft. Well okay then, Remus just liked soup. Sirius was turned halfway on the bench, he legs were spread out to acomodate Remus Lupins skinny legs in such away, if he had been sitting on Lupin, he would have been straddling him. Not that the young werewolf would complain but ,he's eating his soup and their at breakfast it's only 9am, and already most of the the Great Hall was glaring at him, they all loved the infamous Sirius Black, and they all thought they loved his childish antics, it was hard not too but it was morning, and morning was not time to molest your boyfriend at the table while recounting an obviously made up story that happened in first year.

"Sirius." James began, looking very solemn, like he was about to tell Sirius his mother had died.

Although, Sirius would probably have danced and sang with joy if his mother died, that being if he wasn't in Azkaban, having committed the murder of said mother.

"Please shut up."

Sirius gaped. He really did. He put his hand over his heart and began to wail loudly, stuffing his face in the crook of Remus's neck making him choke of the tomato soup and glare at James as he took a sip at water.

"You don't love me James! I'm wounded! Wounded I tell you, Wounded!" Sirius sobbed dramatically into the collar of Remus's shirt, holding the white soft fabric tight between his long knobbly fingers. No one knew for sure if he was pretending to cry or Sirius Black was extremely sensitive.

"Umm...pads? James didn't mean it?" Peter tried, looking like Sirius was a bomb from Voldemort himself and was about to explode any minute.

James, was hitting his head off the table and cleaning his glasses to make absolutely sure ,that yes, Sirius Black was crying in the middle of the Great Hall because he told him to shut up.

Remus, however, was still eating his soup, completely unperturbed by his boyfriends antics, he was used to them all by now.

Sirius retracted his head from where it was seeking refuge in the crook of Remus's neck. It was a very fine neck, long and skin-Im pretty sure, that when I started this, I hadn't planned it to become about Remus Lupins neck.

I digress.

Sirius sniffed loudly-making most of the Great Hall wince suddenly at such a horrible noise- and wiped his leaking nose on the back of his hand. He stared at James, his grey eyes bright and watery "Did you mean it?"

"Er...no?"

"Excellent! So, as I was saying Peter, the cow did some sort of tap dance on top of the fence..." James sidled over to Remus while Sirius was engrossed in tormenting-sorry 'telling' about cows and tap dancing, which was quite a story in itself as cows lack the act of balancing on two feet, on a fence, and tap dancing.

"Remus!" He hissed, "how do you stick him so much? I mean, the sex is probably good, but he's so loud!" James whined, sounding like a toddler in a bad mood. I can see him, jumping up in down in a toy store shouting 'I want I want I want!"

Yet again, I digress.

That seems to be happening a lot.

Remus smirked "He's like that in bed too." He sniggered precariously, obviously noting the horrified look on James's face.

"So you top?"

Remus mock tutted at him, pretending to be disappointed in him, "Honestly James, please Im a werewolf James, you want me to be submissive? Ha!"

James shrugged "Fair point. But anyway, isn't it horrible?"

"The sex? I find it quite good Y'know. And from the noises Sirius makes he-"

"I meant him being so loud!"

"It helps if you know how to shut him up." Remus shrugged, looking a taller than normal teenage boy with a fetish for whiney Casanovas rather than his brand new occupation- The Great Halls Saviour from Sirius.

Catchy right?

"Make up be quiet pleaseeeeeee!" James said suddenly, grabbing Remus's arm desperately Nd shaking him, making him spill his soup all down his clean grey sweatervest.

"Look what you've done!"

"I'm sorry but pleaseeee!" James whined, handing Remus a tissue as he dabbed at the large red stain. Remus sighed, it wasn't coming out anytime soon, he grabbed the edge of the vest and yanked it over his head, leaving him in just his a white cotton shirt.

Somewhere across the hall, some students, just died.

"Sirius sounds like that in bed Y'know?" He snorted, reaching one hand up to ruffle the sandy blonde locks he was famous for.

Oops! There's a couple dead hufflepuffs.

James regarded him slightly,blinking wildly "Ew."

"I know. I couldn't help it. He usually leaves stains on my clothes too." Remus giggled at the horrified look on James's face. That was sincerely too much information.

"Ew."

"I know Im sorry. But seriously (don't make that pun James!) you won't like how I shut him up." Remus continued eating his soup, even though its been long since it was warm, it's still had some heat left and he still likes it. It's soup! You can eat it at any temperature.

"Will it include you shagging Sirius on the table?"

"No that will just make him louder."

"One; ew Two; just make him be quiet! I have a headache!"

Remus sighed and nodded. He unbuttoned his top button and loosened his tie, messing his hair up with one hand while doing so.

I'm pretty sure that's McGonagal dead on the floor.

Noticing James looking at him Remus said wildly "What? he likes this!?"

James shook his head and Remus moved along the bench dejectedly, to were Sirius was sitting chatting with Peter who looked scared.

"Peter, go." Remus barked, looking very...in charge. If you know what I mean. Peter scurried off like the rat he was, muttering "Oh thank merlin!" Sirius looked up at Remus and smiled casually. Remus sighed and sat down next to Sirius, slumping in his seat for a moment before straightening up and smirking his most seductive smirk. "Hello Sirius." He said, his voice low and husky. He widened his eyes slightly showing innocence and bit his lower lip, glancing at Sirius's slightly thinner chapped lips. Sirius's eyes darkened with lust, he followed Remus's gaze down to the full, smooth lips that helped make up Remus Lupins face.

"Remus." Sirius breathed, his voice tight and panting slight. Remus smiled even more, loving the fact that he was the one making him like this.

Remus lent forward, so his lips were pressed against Sirius's eyes.

Because of Sirius's long hair, it would seem to anyone on the outside that Remus was just whispering in his eye to tell him to shut up. But no. Remus was a marauder for a reason. A light pink tongue was tracing the shell of Sirius's ear, Sirius was squeaking pathetically and trying to shuffle closer to the bench so as to hide his 'upcoming' (brilliant choice of words) problem.

"Sirius.." Remus half moaned into his ear, making him shudder slightly.

"Y-yes?"

"Fuck me,right here, right now..." Sirius gulped loudly, paling and pulling his robe more around him. Your probably wondering why he was so aroused at just a whispered conversation, well you see, it's REMUS LUPIN! I call that explanation enough. But I'll go further for those that don't harbour an unnatural obsession for the amber eyed boy. Remus never ever swore. And I mean never. He believed it was crude and childish. Like Sirius but that's not the point. So on the rare occasion Remus used 'bad words' as he dubbed them, Sirius always felt his trousers get oddly tight, especially in a situation like this.

Remus bit down gently on his earlobe and he hissed slightly at the sensations racking through his body.

He then moaned, right into Sirius's ear and because of the slight chatter in the hall, no one but Sirius heard it. And that was the last straw. He shuddered, causing Remus to glance up with his cheeks slightly flushed but other than that he looked perfectly innocent. Remus carefully pressed his lips to a spot just behind Sirius's ear.

Sirius pulled away and looked at Remus in disbelief. Remus fluttered his eyelashes and smiled seductively.

Sirius gaped.

Remus winked.

Sirius passed out. Wait-what? He actually passed out. Stone cold on the hard flooring of the Great Hall.

Remus check his breathing. Made sure he was alive. Shrugged. Then went back to his soup.

Bugger-it's cold.


	2. Short sequel

How To Successfully Shut Up Remus Lupin

One-shot

"Really guys! I'm severely disappointed in you! I thought we were above this! I thought we had planned on using the marauder name for good! And yet, you still find it amusing to prank Severus! That poor bloke is in hospital having his skin dyed and his nose shrunk! The shrinking might not even work! He could be stuck with a long wonky nose for the rest of his life! Can you imagine that! It's horrendous! Worse than James's giant snozzer thatzzzz for surezzz!" Remus was ranting. It was one of hs longer lectures as they had caused 'potential body harm to another human being'

Pfft! If anything the nose made him look better.

Plus it as slightly funny seeing Remus's (fucking gorgeous!) face contort in fury and making him so angry that his slight French accent came out and his 'S's became 'Z's.

Lily (head girl) stood beside him, arm crossed and her lips pursed in a way that made her look like an estranged ginger eagle that hadn't eaten in several weeks. Of course, Sirius didn't tell her this, there was parts of his anatomy he would like keep, and he has bets that Remus wouldn't be to pleased with his random sex-change.

"Of courzzes youz vill nevver get avay vith this. Oh l'enfer non! Vous êtes en Difficulté nig! Rogue aurait pu mourir si il est allé mal-Fuck am I speakingz French?" Remus berated himself, half focusing on his slip of the tongue and half focussing on the messers in front of him.

James sighed, as much as he hated to admit it, he had transfiguration homework to do and he really couldn't be bothered with one of Remus's lectures when he knew he would get (another) detention on top of the 12 he already had.

He scooted closer to Sirius thinking about his earlier conversation with Moony, WHO had conspicuously not noticed said movement as he was busy listening to Lily compliment him on his (quite sexy) fluent French.

"Sirius!" He hissed, trying to gain the attention of the lovesick puppy who was gazing at Moony with rapt attention and an ice-pack on his forehead

.  
"Pssst! Sirius! Oi Pads you great oaf, I'm talking to you Prat!" James said, finally gaining the attention of previous mentioned 'lovesick puppy' who ,according to James, was a great 'oaf'. I find Sirius rather skinny and dashing rather than an oaf but of course:

I digress.

"What?" Sirius grumbled, reluctantly turning his head away from the rambling French werewolf.

"Can you shut Remus up?" James asked, praying inside that he could.

"Of course I can!" Sirius said incredulously, of course he could shut his boyfriend up! He wasn't a boyfriend if be couldn't shut him up.

"Will it make you shag like rabbits in the common room?"

So Sirius can't shut up his boyfriend then.

"Er...maybe?"

"Is there any other way!" James cried dramatically, sounding like something from finding Nemo. A rather good film if you ask me. Excellent plot-

I digress. Again. Boy, you should just get used to it by now.

"Well, there is one way that doesn't include us shagging like rabbits?" Sirius offered quietly, holding his hands up as if to balance out the choices.

"I-I don't care. Just do it!" James huffed uncertainly, Sirius was a horny bastard. There's no knowing what he'll do.

"It's quite Ironic you know? Because he's so quiet in bed, apart from his moans which are, the sexiest shit ever! Like fuck, I can become undone with just one of them. Seriously." Padfoot smirked, obviously knowing James next reaction.

He threw up.

Which broke Remus from his current infliction of their 'wrongdoings' and making him run over to help.

"Merlin James! You alright?" He asked worriedly, staying a clear distance from the vomit.

"M'fine." James said, before laying face down in his vomit.

Yikes.

"Ewwwwwwww!-I mean someone call Madame Pomphrey!" Lily called loudly, too staying a distance from vomit. Because really who likes vomit.

When Madame Pomphrey came and went, levitating an unconscious Head boy behind her, Sirius was seen going up to Remus and whispering in his ear "Hey, wanna shag like rabbits?"

Neither was seen for the rest of that night.

The end.

For real this time.

Aw.

Right, shutting up now.

The (actual) end.


End file.
